


Dubsmash War

by searchingwardrobes



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Captain Charming Hood, Captain Swan - Freeform, Cell Phones, Competition, F/M, Humor, Outlaw Queen - Freeform, Snowing - Freeform, dubsmash, killian vs the modern world, robin vs the modern world, seriously what even is this ridiculousness?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:16:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9328451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searchingwardrobes/pseuds/searchingwardrobes
Summary: The ladies are on a girls weekend, and the boys are pathetic without them. So David, Killian, and Robin start a dubsmash war with the girls. Things quickly get out of hand . . .





	

**Author's Note:**

> * Ok, I know the dubsmash craze, which lasted all of five minutes, is over. But, I was thinking of this really cute dubsmash war between the cast of Agent Carter and the cast of Agents of Shield at SDCC 2015. And this fic was born. A year and a half late, but whatever.  
> * This takes place in an unspecified time in the future and Robin never died. Therefore, the Robin/Zelena baby's name is Hope, which was my head canon before they screwed everything up.  
> * I don't own these songs or these characters. For some of these songs, that's a relief.

              David felt his hear sink as he looked around the living room of the Mills mansion. The television droned in the background and toys littered the floor. Killian and Robin slumped on opposite ends of the couch, each of them with a baby nestled against his chest. Now that Roland and Neal had finally gone down for their naps, the realization of their predicament hit David full force. Snow, Emma, and Regina were having a girls’ weekend in New York City, which all three men had been in full support of. Watching the kids on their own? They totally had this! So far the ladies had been to a concert at Madison Square Garden and been to a Broadway show. And what had David and his mates done? Eat pizza and watch TV while letting the kids run them ragged. In short, they were pathetic.

              A hockey game they were barely paying attention to flickered from the corner. Killian shifted a bit and one month old Clara smacked her tiny lips. The pirate either didn’t notice or care about the line of drool dripping down his black leather vest.

              “I wonder what Emma is doing,” he sighed.

              “Regina was supposed to call this morning,” Robin pouted. “I guess she was too busy.” He let out a sigh just as whiny as Killian’s as he rubbed circles on 8 month old Hope’s back.

              Yep, completely pathetic.

              “Come on, men! We’re better than this!” David argued, slapping his hands together.

              “Shhhh!”

              “Bloody hell, if you wake Clara, so help me, David . . .”

              The prince rolled his eyes as he leapt from his chair, “Come on, is this really what’s become of us? Moping when our women are away? We’re Prince Charming, Captain Hook, and Robin Hood! We’re supposed to be charging in on our noble steeds, rescuing our fair damsels!”

              “Don’t let Emma hear you call her a damsel in need of saving.”

              “Whenever I save Regina, she yells and informs me I wasn’t needed.”

              David put his hands on his hips and shook his head at his two best friends. “Robin, you’re wearing a wife beater. And Killian, you have drool on your shirt.”

              “I do not beat my wife!”

              “Clara has acid reflux. She can’t help it.”

              David rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to say, look at the two of you! Is this how you want your ladies to find you when they come home?”

              Robin and Killian gave each other a once over.

              “He has a point, mate.”

              “At least I’m not in my underclothes.”

              “So,” David asked them, rubbing his hands together, “what do you want to do?”

              The two men sighed again and looked blankly at the TV screen.

              “I miss Emma.”

              “I miss Regina.”

              “Fine,” David said in exasperation, “why don’t we face time them, and _then_ we can do something.”

              David pulled out his phone and swiped his thumb across the screen to unlock it. Then he saw an app Henry had installed, and his face lit up with a slow smile.

              “Actually, I’ve got a better idea.”

                            **********************************************

              “Mmm,” Emma sighed as she licked her fork, “this lasagna is to die for. No offense, Regina.”

              “None taken. We _are_ in Little Italy.”

              All three of the ladies’ cell phones dinged at the same time.

              “Oh, it’s from David!” Snow exclaimed as she picked hers up. “And you’re husbands, too.”

              The three of them exchanged curious glances before simultaneously pulling up the video.

**_Hangin tough_ **

**_Hangin tough_ **

**_Are you tough enough?_ **

#boybandsvsgirlgroups #youin?

              Snow almost snorted coke through her nose.

              “Oh. My. God. Is that really Robin?”

              “What is Killian wearing?” Captain Hook in a baggy shirt with a backwards baseball cap was a sight Emma had certainly never expected to see.

              “Robin’s never even heard of New Kids on the Block!”

              “I’m guessing Dad filled them in. Mom, what are you doing?”

              Snow smiled as she tapped a message out on her phone. Their phones dinged as Snow’s response to the boys went through.

              #ohyes #weRin #girlsruleboysdrool

**So tell me what you want, what you really, really want**

**I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)**

**I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah**

              “Oh, I see. Snow is Baby, Emma is Sporty, and Regina is Scary.”

              “Hey! Regina may be intimidating, but don’t call her scary! And why is her hair all frizzy like that?”

              “What are those black smudges on Emma’s face? If she borrowed my kohl, she’s overdoing it.”

              David sighed. “They’re dressed as the Spice Girls.” At his friends’ bewildered expressions, he shook his head and pulled up Google search on his phone. “As much as it pains me, I suppose I must educate you on the musical travesty known as the Spice Girls.” He smiled at his two unsuspecting mates, “And then I’ve got to teach you a few dance moves.”

**So bye bye love (Bye love)**

**Bye love**

**Yeah**

              “So David’s teaching them choreography now?”

              Emma snorted. “Choreography, Regina? That hand thing is hardly choreography. Every kid in junior high could do it.”

              “If they pulled out Backstreet Boys,” said Snow, “then you know what we have to do next. She may not be a girl group, but . . . “

              Emma grinned wickedly. “I saw a little shop a block from here that probably carries plaid skirts. . .”

**Hit me, baby**

**One more time**

              “I’m not looking at that! That’s my daughter!”

              “Then look at your wife, mate. I have to say, I never knew the Lady Snow had legs like that.”

              “Hook, do you want me to punch you again?”

              “I really hope Regina brings that outfit home.”

              “I’m a little confused about the song, though. The lass wants to be hit? Again?”

              David rolled his eyes as he explained Britney Spears and pulled up the actual music video for Killian and Robin.

              “Ok, David, this feels wrong.”

              “And people give me a hard time about the bar wenches from my past. This is legal in this realm?”

              “Okay,” David said, “enough education on Britney. For our next move, guys, we need to up the ante on our costumes . . .”

**It’s fun to stay at the**

**YMCA!**

              “Wow, my husband the cop. Always has been sexy.”

              “Ew! That’s my Dad!”

              “I’m assuming David didn’t inform them of the song’s meaning.”

              “Doubtful, Regina.”

              “I won’t lie, I’ve always had naval officer fantasies.”

              “Don’t want to hear it, Ms. Swan.”

              “Come on, Regina. Robin looks pretty good in that cowboy hat. Are you going to have cowboy fantasies now?”

              Regina crossed her arms and looked sideways.

              “You are! You are totally having cowboy fantasies!”

              Regina huffed as she stared at the phone. “The real question is, ladies, how are we going to match The Village People?”

              Emma grinned slyly. “How do you ladies feel about a trip to Moulin Rouge? Because Killian for one is a sucker for a good wench.”

**Itchi gitchi yay a da da**

**Itchi gitchi ya ya here**

**Mocha-choco-lata ya ya**

**Créole lady marmalade**

              “Oh, God!” David yelled slapping his hand over his face. “My eyes! My eyes!”

              “Oh come now, mate, your wife looks lovely,” Killian added under his breath, “and your daughter, too.”

              “I change my mind about punching you, Hook. How does a knife in the back feel? Again?”

              “You’re awfully quiet there, Robin.”

              “I’m just really hoping Regina packs all this when she comes home.”

              “Ok, mates, pull yourselves together. Our ladies have thrown the gauntlet. What next, David?”

              “I have an idea, but you both have to really commit . . . “

**I’m too sexy for my shirt**

**Too sexy for my shirt**

**So sexy it hurts**

              “Oh no they didn’t!”

              “Oh yes, they did!”

              “Wow, Killian’s chest hair! Just, wow!”

              “Mom!”

              “What? I may be your mother, but I have eyes!” Snow hit play on the video again. “Mmm, David’s biceps, and those abs . . .”

              “I am _so_ gonna need therapy from Archie after this!”

              “Regina, you’re awfully quiet.”

              “This is a tough one to top, ladies.”

              “I know, how do we compete with them shirtless?”

              “We can’t,” sighed Snow, “because those are three fine specimens of man candy there.”

              “Mom!” “Snow!”

              “What? All I’m saying is, we are three _very_ lucky ladies.”

              “Focus here, Snow.”

              “Right! So what’s our strategy, Regina?”

              Regina crossed her arms and grinned. “We fake them out.”

**Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground.**

#cantcompete

              “Why are they lying on the ground?”

              “What does that song mean?”

              “Taylor Swift, and it doesn’t matter! We won, boys!”

              But Killian and Robin looked as pathetic as they had watching the hockey game.

              “Swan looks so defeated. Perhaps our manly chests were a bit much.”

              “It was a rather low blow. What if it ends us up in the . . . what did you call it? The dog house? I can’t enjoy those outfits of Regina’s if I’m ordered to the couch.”

              David gnawed on his bottom lip. “Hmmm . . . I suppose we could accept our win humbly . . .”

**I said it’s too late to apologize**

**It’s too late**

              “Awww . . . Killian’s so cute when he pouts!”

              “Oh please, Ms. Swan, it’s a fake pout, and you know it.”

              “I can never resist David’s _I’m sorry_ face.”

              “So they’re cute! So what? They’re also hot as hell with their shirts off. Are we gonna let that sway us? Or are we gonna go in for the kill?”

              “Let’s do this!”

              “Let’s kick their butts!”

              “Oh, don’t bring that up! Now I’m imagining Killian in those tight leather pants . . .”

**I don’t want no scrubs**

**Scrubs is a guy that can’t get no love from me**

**Hangin’ out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride tryin to holla at me**

              Robin’s brow furrowed, “I’m confused.”

              Killian arched his eyebrow, “What the bloody hell is a scrub?”

              David sighed in defeat and shook his head, “It means, gentleman that the ladies have dropped the mic.”

              “What?”

              David looked at his two clueless mates and groaned, dropping his head in his hands. From the start, he was competing with a serious handicap. Two, actually. Before the next dubsmash war, the pirate and the bandit needed a serious crash course in pop culture.


End file.
